A Girl Walks Into a Wedding Read online

  You give your name to the receptionist behind the counter and a thought strays into your mind. There’s no reason why you couldn’t share a room with Steve. It would be pretty forward, but your knees are still wobbly from that kiss outside – you can’t help wanting more. Then again, you don’t really know him, do you? Maybe you should take it slowly.

  If you decide to check in to your own room, go to page 32.

  If you decide to share a room with Steve, go to page 34.

  You’ve decided to check into your own room

  You’ve decided to check into your own room. After all, there’s no law saying you have to sleep in it if you decide to make other arrangements, is there? And if it doesn’t work out with Steve, at least you’ll have your own space. You follow the receptionist along a panelled corridor, nooks containing antique chairs and writing desks at regular intervals, pausing outside a heavy wooden door.

  The receptionist unlocks it and ushers you in.

  That’s odd – there’s a black t-shirt and a pair of jeans draped over the nearest chair. The bathroom door opens, and a man wearing nothing but a towel around his waist emerges whistling.

  You stare at each other for a few seconds as the blood rushes to your cheeks. You’re tempted to whistle too – this guy definitely works out. Those are pretty impressive abs, and his muscled arms are decorated with intricate black tattoos.

  The receptionist flutters behind you, babbling about a room mix-up.

  ‘I don’t mind sharing,’ says Tattoo Guy.

  You blush again.

  Apologising non-stop, the receptionist sweeps you back to the entrance desk and clacks at his computer. ‘I’m so sorry, ma’am,’ he says, looking as if he’s on the verge of tears. ‘But we’re full.’

  It looks like the decision has been taken out of your hands. You have to share with Steve after all.

  Go to page 36.

  You’ve decided to share a room with Steve

  The receptionist ushers you along a corridor adorned with botanical prints and shows you into a huge room dominated by a white four-poster bed. The walls are covered in toile de Jouy paper in soft blues and white. Muslin curtains billow in the breeze floating through open French doors that lead onto a balcony. You poke your head into the bathroom, which has an antique wingback chair, enough candles to light up a small church, and a large jacuzzi in one corner. If this is a regular suite, you can only imagine what the bridal suite must be like.

  You thank the receptionist for his help and stroll out onto the balcony, which overlooks the formal rose garden, bordered by precisely barbered lavender bushes. You suck in a deep breath of the dizzyingly scented air and wriggle your shoulders. You could get used to this.

  ‘Hey.’ A voice breaks into your reverie. There’s a tall, lean and muscled man on the balcony next to yours. He’s wearing nothing but a towel around his narrow waist, and seems completely at ease being half-naked. You wave back, trying not to stare at his impressive biceps, which are looped with tattoos.

  ‘You here for Jane and Tom’s wedding too?’ he asks.

  You nod. Who is this guy? You thought you’d met all of Jane’s friends, and this isn’t the kind of man you’d forget, with those dramatic tats and cheekbones that could cut glass. Plus he doesn’t look like one of Tom’s friends, most of whom are fairly straitlaced, with the exception of Mikey, his best man – a manic macho surgeon with the morals of an alley cat.

  ‘’Scuse the attire,’ he says. There’s the sound of a ring-tone coming from inside his room. He smiles, showing off blindingly white teeth. ‘Better get that. Catch you later?’

  You murmur ‘Sure,’ and step back into the room. Hmm. Maybe you shouldn’t be sharing with Steve after all, especially if there’s this kind of talent around. You ring the receptionist to enquire about the extra room you booked for Steve. After much humming and hawing and a flurry of apologies, he informs you that there’s been a mix-up and the extra room you booked has been taken. Oh well, you think. Maybe it was meant to be.

  Go to page 36.

  You’re sharing a room with Steve

  You sink onto the four-poster bed. Pure luxury. You feel a swirl of nerves as you wonder how Steve will react when he realises you’re going to be sharing a room, but after the way he kissed you outside the hotel and what you got up to in that field, you very much doubt he’ll be disappointed. And if you’re going to be wicked, you’ve chosen the right place for it, you think, making a snow angel on the giant white bed.

  The door opens and Steve enters, your bag slung over his shoulder, a porter dragging an enormous suitcase behind him – it’s double the size of yours.

  Steve hands the porter a massive tip and closes the door.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind sharing a room,’ you say.

  Steve breaks out his enticing smile again. You move towards him, feeling that familiar buzz in your belly. But instead of getting up close and personal, he drops to his knees and unzips his suitcase. ‘We’re going down to the bar to meet all the other guests now, right?’ he says.

  You blink. ‘Right.’

  ‘Well, before I meet your friends, I’ve got something I really want to show you. Prepare yourself, because this is going to blow your mind and open up a whole new way of looking at the world – it’s blue-sky thinking at its finest.’

  That sounds ominous. And what can be in that huge suitcase? Women’s clothing? Hardcore sex toys? The body of Celine Dion?

  He flings open the suitcase. It’s filled with DVDs, and horror of horrors, their covers sport a photograph of shirtless Steve in mirrored shades astride a Harley-Davidson. He hands you one. The title, ‘YES U CAN, MAN!’ is followed by the words: ‘Cool Steve’s Guide to Surefire Awesomeness: Unlock your Inner Hidden Potentiality’.

  Uh-oh.

  ‘Tell you what,’ he says. ‘After we’ve met your friends, how about I see if the hotel has a DVD player we can borrow? I can’t wait to show it to you.’

  You can actually feel the blood draining from your face. He goes on, ‘It’s so great that I’m getting the chance to share this with you and your friends, babe.’

  Babe. He called you babe. Double uh-oh.

  He pulls off his shirt, revealing a tanned stomach with ridged muscles – those same muscles you felt earlier. Muscles that are suddenly not so sexy any more. He drags a bright yellow t-shirt over his head – the words YES U CAN, MAN! blaring in Comic Sans script across the front.

  The horror.

  ‘Steve … um, the t-shirt,’ you manage. ‘You don’t think it might be a bit too much?’

  ‘Maybe you’re right, babe. Don’t want to peak too soon.’ He smiles at you and slips back into his less offensive shirt. ‘Shall we?’

  You can hear the sound of laughter and the screeching of Domino’s brood coming from the bar area. You’re tempted to make a run for it – maybe you can steal Steve’s car keys and drive away. As you walk through the lobby, the receptionist signals at you. ‘Excuse me, ma’am, may I have a word?’ His gaze shifts to Steve, and you detect the shadow of lust in his eyes.

  ‘I’ll meet you in there,’ Steve says, giving you a double thumbs-up as he strolls into the bar.

  The receptionist drags his eyes away from Steve and turns his attention back to you. ‘I’m not sure you’re still interested’ – he shoots another pointed glance in Steve’s direction – ‘but I have a room option for you. It’s one half of a family suite, which means you’ll have to share a bathroom—’

  ‘I’ll take it,’ you say, snatching the key out of his hand. Right now, you’d sleep on the floor of a barn if you had to.

  You take a deep breath and head for the bar. Steve is already in conversation with a stocky guy wearing a dark suit, a tall willowy woman, and an exceptionally good-looking man in a clerical collar.

  Jane rushes over to you and gives you a hug. ‘Is that your date?’ she says, gesturing at Steve. ‘He’s gorgeous. You are a dark horse.’

  ‘Who’s he talking to?’
>
  ‘My brother, of course.’

  Bruno’s back is to you, but it looks like he’s grown up quite a bit and lost weight since you last saw him. He turns to look at you as if he can sense your eyes on him, and salutes. Same lopsided grin and shock of black hair as when you were children. He hooks an arm around the tall woman – one of those people who immediately makes you feel dishevelled. Graceful, shining hair, no makeup. Not conventionally attractive, but striking.

  ‘That’s Cat,’ Jane says. ‘She’s great. You’ll love her. And that’s Father Declan,’ she says, waving at the priest.

  ‘The Father Declan? The one you’ve had a completely forbidden crush on for years?’

  Jane laughs. ‘Do you blame me?’

  You don’t. He’s slightly rumpled in that rakish way, and his eyes are fringed with thick black eyelashes – the kind that always made your gran say ‘God put in those eyes with a sooty finger.’ The lines on his face suggest that he does a lot of smiling, and right now he’s roaring with laughter at something Steve is telling him. You hope he’s laughing with Steve and not at him.

  On the other side of the room, Lisa grimaces at you from where she’s been cornered by Cee Cee – who is no doubt rattling off the finer details of the serviette-cum-dress décor. You wave hello to Tom, Jane’s fiancé, who’s propping up the bar with a man in a crumpled khaki shirt. Mikey – the best man.

  ‘Mikey’s single again,’ Jane says. You give her a sharp look. ‘Don’t worry, even if you hadn’t shown up with a date who makes Ryan Gosling look like the Elephant Man, he knows you’re not the type of girl who would fall for his lame pick-up lines.’

  No, you’re the type of girl who comes to a wedding with a complete stranger who just happens to be a rabid wannabe self-help guru.

  Mikey gives you a lazy, assessing smile. On paper, he’s the sort of guy who would be the star of hospital romance novels – a maverick who travels the world with Doctors Without Borders. In reality, you know that despite his noble-sounding job, he’s an unrepentant womaniser with severe income tax issues.

  ‘I’d better circulate,’ Jane says. ‘I can’t wait to get to know Steve better!’ And it looks like Jane isn’t the only one. Jane’s Aunt Lauren, a foxy woman of a certain age who achieved notoriety in the sixties and beyond as a model and avant-garde photographer, is obviously circling, twirling her long black cigarette-holder. And several of the waiting staff – both male and female – are also hovering rather closely. If you could only tape Steve’s mouth shut, you might actually be enjoying this.

  ‘Hello again.’ You turn to see the tattooed guy you encountered earlier. He looks just as good in his clothes as he did in his towel. ‘Bride or groom?’

  ‘Just a guest,’ you say.

  He laughs. ‘I mean, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?’

  ‘Sorry! Both, I guess. You?’

  ‘I’m handling the music for the wedding.’

  ‘Oh! You must be DJ Salinger.’ Jane wasn’t lying when she said he was hot. ‘How come you’re here for the whole weekend?’

  ‘Tom’s my vet. He’s helped me out loads of times in the past. I have an elderly cat who’s prone to middle-of-the-night emergencies, and this is my way of repaying the favour. And when he suggested I spend the weekend here, I thought, why not?’

  ‘Is Salinger really your last name?’

  ‘Nah. I did an MA in English before I studied sound engineering, thought it would be a cool alias. You can call me JD.’

  He waves at the doors leading out onto the veranda with spectacular views of lawns and trees. ‘Feel like getting some air?’

  Steve is still regaling Aunt Lauren, Bruno, Father Declan and Bruno’s perfect girlfriend with heaven knows what. Should you go over there to make sure he isn’t trying to shove self-help psychobabble down their throats? Or would you rather visit a town named denial, and chat with the DJ?

  If you decide talk to the DJ, go to page 44.

  If you try to corral Steve before he embarrasses you completely, go to page 47.

  You’ve decided to talk to the DJ

  JD snares a glass of bubbles from a passing waiter and hands it to you before escorting you towards the veranda. Someone should frame those cheekbones, and his lips are so full and sensuous you want to run your thumb along them. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s the kind of edgy-hot guy Lisa would approve of.

  ‘So … you here with anyone?’ he asks.

  The temptation to fudge the truth is immense. But you’ve seen those movies where the main character lies and gets herself into endless trouble. ‘I’m with a friend.’

  ‘Boyfriend?’

  ‘God, no.’

  ‘Interesting.’ JD holds your eyes for a long second, and it’s suddenly hard to swallow.

  ‘And you?’ you finally manage. ‘Are you here with someone?’

  He smiles lazily, and a dimple pops up next to those kissable lips. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘I thought it was you, Stinky,’ a voice says from behind you. You turn to see Bruno and his girlfriend approaching.

  ‘Stinky?’ JD cocks an eyebrow.

  ‘Bruno used to call me Stinky when we were kids,’ you say, more than a little annoyed. ‘He used to get his kicks from pushing me into cowpats.’

  Bruno laughs. ‘You got your own back,’ he says to you. ‘She drowned my Action Man in the toilet,’ he explains to JD and Cat.

  Cat smiles at you and introduces herself. ‘We’ve just been talking to the most hilarious guy,’ she says.

  ‘Really?’ you say through gritted teeth. Before you can explain that you barely know him, a familiar voice yodels, ‘Babe! There you are.’ Steve bounces up to you, trailed by Aunt Lauren. ‘Lauren here is dying to see one of my DVDs.’

  Your face burning, you introduce him to JD, who’s looking at you quizzically.

  ‘DVDs?’ Bruno asks.

  ‘Don’t ask,’ you mutter.

  With a glance at you and Steve, JD excuses himself, giving you a regretful smile as he leaves.

  ‘Are you coming to the stag party tonight?’ Bruno asks Steve. ‘We’re heading out for a few drinks, nothing major.’

  Steve clicks his fingers. ‘Sure! Hey, I’ve had a great idea. I’ll be back in a minute!’ He spins on his heel and jogs out.

  ‘That’s the bloke we were talking to earlier,’ Cat says. ‘I didn’t realise you two were together.’

  Bruno smirks at you – he clearly hasn’t changed. Perhaps now would be a good time to rescue Lisa, who’s still having her ear talked off by Cee Cee – anything to get away from this.

  Go to page 49.

  You’ve decided to corral Steve before he embarrasses you

  You smile regretfully at the DJ. ‘Excuse me. I must just …’ you mutter as you sidle up to the small group surrounding Steve. Thank goodness – they’re talking about cars.

  ‘Hi, Stinky!’ Bruno greets you.

  You bite back your instinctive ‘Hi, arsehole!’ retort.

  ‘Stinky?’ Bruno’s girlfriend – Cat – asks, giving you a smile.

  ‘It’s what he used to call me when we were kids,’ you say, clenching your fists. ‘Although to be honest, he was the one who reeked a bit.’

  ‘So, Steve,’ Aunt Lauren purrs, ‘tell me more about yourself. What do you do for a living?’

  ‘Steve!’ you jump in, desperate to change the subject. ‘Um … maybe we can find a DVD player? Remember, you wanted to show me something.’

  Bruno raises an eyebrow. ‘DVD? Party favour for the stag do later?’

  ‘My dear, please tell me you’ve made a sex tape,’ says Aunt Lauren, widening her eyes in delight. Father Declan looks as if he’s suppressing a smile.

  You grimace. ‘I—’

  ‘Speaking of the stag party, I’ve had a great idea!’ Steve says. ‘Babe, you’re going to love this! Wait here a moment …’ He hurries away.

  Lisa is waving at you, clearly desperate to be rescued from Cee Cee’s clutches. Bruno smirks at yo
u as you make your excuses and slink away to join her.

  Go to page 49.

  You go over to rescue Lisa from Cee Cee

  You join Lisa and Cee Cee, who shoots air kisses around your head, then drifts off to talk to Domino, who are juggling stiff drinks, a pet rat, toddlers and canapés with the skill of Cirque du Soleil performers. Bruno and Cat stroll out of the room arm-in-arm, chatting non-stop to each other.

  ‘Was that Steve I just saw running out of here?’ Lisa asks. ‘Nice boring Steve?’

  ‘Yeah. Only he’s not as boring as you might think. Unfortunately. You should see what he keeps in his suitcase.’

  Lisa’s eyes gleam. ‘Oooh. Sounds fun. Tell all.’

  You’re about to fill her in when Steve bursts into the room with a bundle of bright yellow t-shirts in his arms.

  ‘Guys! I thought these would be perfect for tonight!’ he shouts, and you watch appalled as he hands them out. Mikey chuckles, strips off his shirt and pulls one over his head. Tom, who is clearly being a good sport, does the same. Even Father Declan is getting in on the action.

  ‘“Yes U Can, Man”?’ Lisa snorts. ‘Who is this guy?’

  ‘I have absolutely no idea,’ you say.

  With Steve occupied, you make an excuse about freshening up and sneak away to your new room, a single that shares a bathroom with the suite next door.

  The room is a little less luxurious than the one you were going to share with Steve, but you don’t care. You collapse onto the bed. Perhaps Lisa will help you work out how to escape the whole Steve situation. She’s extricated herself from more tricky relationships than you’ve had hot dinners.