A Girl Walks Into a Wedding Read online

  There’s an appreciative hum of excitement from the wedding guests, and Jane and Tom step back from the flames, holding hands, watching in awe.

  The officiant then proceeds to twirl the baton of fire between his fingers like a drum majorette, before holding one of the lit ends to his mouth and licking at the flame. Then he swallows the flame dramatically. The wedding guests applaud, oohing and aahing. As he spins the baton once more, relighting the extinguished side, which flares wildly, Cee Cee steps backwards out of the way, pulling a face.

  ‘See,’ you tell her, ‘this worked out fine! Bet nobody here has ever been to a wedding like this before!’

  The guru holds the baton out in front of him, and first taking a mouthful of paraffin, he blows on it, causing a huge fireball to billow off the stick and fly down the aisle. But no detail has been left untended by Maid of Honour Extraordinaire, and there are a series of ribbons, in the same fabric as your dress, tied lovingly and elaborately onto the end of each pew. Within seconds, the fire-hungry fabric catches alight.

  As panicked wedding guests scream and jostle to escape the pews – which are also starting to catch – the guru knocks over his bottle of paraffin, which floods out over the dry, ancient wooden floors. A finger of flame leaps to lap it up.

  There’s a stampede for the door. You grab Cee Cee, and Tom pulls Jane behind him.

  Finally everyone is safely outside and accounted for, huddled in shock on the lawn, watching flames lick at the stained-glass windows.

  ‘Bet you nobody has ever been to a wedding like this before!’ Cee Cee snarls in your ear.

  Tom comes to your rescue. ‘Actually, Cee Cee, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Isn’t this supposed be a day to remember for the rest of your life? And who the hell is going to forget this?’

  You smile at him gratefully.

  ‘Sod this, we’re going on honeymoon!’ Jane says, tugging Tom towards the waiting car, with ‘Just Married’ daubed on the rear window and tin cans on pieces of string dangling from the bumper. Everyone cheers and waves as they speed away.

  The sound of sirens grows louder and a fire engine roars down the driveway and screams to a halt in front of the burning chapel. Your eyes widen as a cluster of burly firemen and women leap into action – you’ve never seen such a buff gang of rescuers before. They must all do special fire-fighting exercises – even in their protective uniforms, it’s muscle city everywhere you look.

  They unravel huge hoses with practised ease and begin training them on the windows.

  ‘Stand back, ma’am!’ says one Adonis to you. Is that a wink he’s giving you? You smile blindingly at him, only to hear a voice in your ear: ‘He’s married, with two small children.’

  It’s Bruno. You gape at him. ‘How do you know?’

  ‘Never seen him before in my life. I’m just using my superior brain power to eliminate the brawny competition.’

  You start to giggle, and Bruno snakes an arm around your shoulders. You relax back against him, and it feels good – and then an undeniable frisson runs down your spine as he brushes his lips against your cheek.

  As the fire-fighters wrestle with their pulsing hoses, moving back and forth in perfect synchronicity, timeless Aunt Lauren appears beside you in her fabulous leopard-print creation and gloriously clashing hat. ‘Darling, what fun. I’ve been to weddings with fireworks before, but nothing quite like this,’ she says, licking her lips as a particularly muscular fireman belts past her. ‘I just love a happy ending.’

  The End

  Acknowledgements

  We’re very grateful to everyone who’s shown faith in the Girl and her adventures. The list starts with our superhero agent Oli Munson and our fairy godmothers, Jennifer Custer and Hélène Ferey, all of A M Heath Literary Agents, who always seem to have good news for us. A big thank you to every single publisher who’s embraced the Girl, especially Manpreet Grewal and her team at Sphere (Little, Brown), Amanda Bergeron and crew at William Morrow (HarperCollins), and Jeremy Boraine and his colleagues at Jonathan Ball. We know there are editors, translators, designers, cover artists, typesetters and many more people in twenty different countries working hard to make the Girl look good: thank you all.

  Thanks to Amber de Savary of the Old Swan and Minster Mill, and the other wedding planners and coordinators who showed us their romantic venues and shared their stories with us.

  For advice, suggestions and support both practical and moral, we are hugely grateful to: Candice, Carol, Charlie, Edyth, James, Kathy, Lauren, Liesl, Rosemary, Savannah, Steve and Tom. May your condoms never break.

  Helena S. Paige is the pseudonym of three friends. Paige Nick is an award-winning advertising copywriter and novelist. She also has a weekly column in the Sunday Times, which covers everything from sex and dating to general lunacy. Helen Moffett wears many hats: freelance writer, poet, editor, activist and academic, who has lectured as far afield as Trinidad and Alaska. She is also a cricket writer and flamenco fan. Sarah Lotz is a screenwriter and novelist with a fondness for fake names. She writes urban horror novels under the name S.L. Grey with author Louis Greenberg, and a Young Adult series with her daughter, Savannah, under the pseudonym Lily Herne.

  As Helena S. Paige, these three women have created an entertaining, empowering and exciting series of choose-your-own-erotic-destiny novels, where the reader is fully in charge of her own experience. And everyone is guaranteed a happy ending.

  Also available in the

  A Girl Walks in … series

  A GIRL WALKS INTO A BAR

  YOUR FANTASY, YOUR RULES

  When your friend cancels on your girls’ night out at the last moment, you suddenly find yourself all dressed up and alone at an exclusive bar.

  What do you do now?

  Will you spend the evening drinking tequila with a rock star? Or perhaps the suave and charming millionaire businessman is more your style? But the angelic young barman with a body made for sin has also caught your eye … Then there’s the bodyguard who has the keys to his boss’s sports car and is offering you a ride … Maybe you want to head home instead – to your sexy new neighbour.

  Whichever way you decide to go, each twist and turn you make will lead to an unforgettable encounter. Can you choose the ultimate sensual experience? The power is entirely yours.