A Girl Walks Into a Wedding Read online

‘Wait,’ you say, grabbing hold of his arms. ‘You can’t leave now, Jane’s wedding is in the morning.’ You feel the breath leaving your body. You can’t be responsible for Jane’s priest going AWOL. Cee Cee will literally kill you.

  ‘I’m sorry. But I have to leave.’

  ‘No! Please, just think about it! What would Jesus do? Ask yourself that. He would definitely stay and marry Jane!’

  Declan laughs. ‘I wish I’d met you twenty years ago. Let me tell you, Jesus wouldn’t be staying in a joint like this. He’d probably be off chucking bankers out the temple of Mammon somewhere.’ He kisses the tip of your nose. ‘Will you tell them I’ve left?’ he says. ‘And tell Jane I wish her well. I hope she and her fella go the distance.’

  ‘Wait!’ you call, as he gets up, still holding your hand. ‘Where are you going?’

  You see his teeth shining in the gloom of the room. ‘I’m off to join Greenpeace. After that, who knows. You take the best care of yourself.’ He kisses your hand, then he’s gone.

  Shit. What are you going to tell Jane? Eventually you wobble back to the private dining-room to face the firing squad – although Cee Cee strikes you as more of a stabber.

  You wave away your untouched chocolate mousse, adorned with vanilla swirls and a nest of spun sugar – you missed an entire course while you were out un-priesting the priest. Someone taps on a wine glass and everyone quietens down. Lisa shoots you a worried glance, and Bruno is staring at you. You’re not sure how you missed it before – the intent behind his glances is obvious.

  ‘Where’s Father Declan?’ Jane’s mum asks, looking around.

  You clear your throat: ‘He asked me to make his excuses, he had to go up to his room to … to deal with a parish matter.’ This isn’t the kind of news you break in front of a crowd, not even one that’s just had a good meal and plenty of wine.

  After the speeches, you pull Jane and Lisa to one side. ‘I need to tell you something,’ you start.

  ‘What is it?’ Jane says, panic filling her eyes. She knows your guilty face too well.

  ‘Declan didn’t just leave to go to his room.’

  ‘Oh fuck! What have you done now?’ Lisa says, getting it immediately.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Jane asks, a little slower on the uptake.

  ‘He had to leave,’ you stammer, ‘because he’s having a … a … crisis of faith.’

  ‘You dirty—’ Lisa starts, covering her mouth. ‘You fucking legend!’ She holds her hand up for a high five, which you ignore.

  ‘No, it’s not like that!’ you protest.

  ‘You fucked my priest, and now he’s left?’ Jane says a little too loudly, making heads turn.

  ‘I didn’t fuck him!’ you hiss. ‘We just kissed a bit. I couldn’t help it. I mean, have you looked at the guy? He’s a fucking god!’

  ‘Not quite, he just works for one,’ Lisa says. ‘Which makes what you’ve done worse, if you think about it.’

  ‘You’re not helping!’ you say, exasperated.

  ‘You broke this, you’d better fix it!’ Jane says, prodding you in the chest with a pointy, manicured panicked-bride finger.

  Who’s going to perform the ceremony now? Go to page 280.

  You want to be with him even though it’s complicated

  ‘ … I understand, it’s complicated,’ you say, nodding earnestly.

  ‘Oh, bugger complicated,’ he says, and launches himself back at you. Your mouths crush together and you close your eyes and sink into the warmth of him. Which you realise is all you’ve wanted to do since you met him.

  You run your hands tentatively across his chest, and he groans into your mouth at your touch. You pop open a couple of buttons so you can feel his skin against your fingertips. The enormity of what you’re doing makes you almost tearful and even hungrier for him. At last you feel his fingers quivering as he touches you, cupping your shoulders. You reach up and slide the strap of your dress off your shoulder, and he runs his mouth down your neck, and then stops to kiss your shoulder. Then, very gently, he cradles your breast in his hand.

  ‘It’s been a very long time,’ he says quietly.

  ‘It’s okay,’ you say. You press him back on the sofa, and carefully lower yourself onto his lap, straddling him, afraid to rush him. He brings both hands up to the edge of your dress, and in the dim light, you can see them trembling. You help him peel the fabric away, and he slides his palms around your breasts, his thumbs slowly stroking against your nipples, which are as hard as diamonds. He caresses your breasts for a long time, before lowering his head. You clasp the back of his head gently as he drops his mouth onto the tender skin of your breasts. You gasp as he finds first one nipple, and then the other, and for a long time, he worships you with his mouth. At last you tug his head back up, and you kiss with such intensity, you’re amazed you don’t burst into flames.

  You can’t bear the waiting any longer, and you reach for his buckle and fumble with it, your hands shaking from all the adrenalin rushing through your body. You carefully release his button and zip, and reach for his cock, which is standing at attention – it’s been waiting years for your touch. He drops his head back into your neck and nuzzles there, breathing deeply as you wrap your hand around his shaft. He groans again and tilts his head backwards. Then he covers your hand with his, halting it for a moment, the feeling clearly too intense for him. So you hold his pulsating cock still in your hand while he breathes slowly through what he’s feeling. You’re thrilled at the effect you’re having on him, but his need is making your own hunger unbearable.

  ‘My handbag,’ you whisper, and he reaches for it next to you, fumbling with the catch. A woman’s handbag is an entirely foreign object to him. You take it from him and snap it open, feeling in the side pocket for the emergency condom you keep in there. You hate to break away from him, but you have to get your soaked knickers off, so you stand up for a second to strip them off. Then you clamber astride him once more, one arm round his neck, as you rip at the condom packaging.

  You kiss him softly, then slip the condom over his cock. It’s so hard, you’re afraid he might explode before you can even get him inside you, which is what you really need. Urgently. Right now. ‘Coming, ready or not,’ you say in his ear, as you settle yourself over his cock, lodging the tip between your wet pussy lips, and then sinking slowly down. He cries out and clutches at your back.

  He feels huge thrusting up inside you, and you try to hold still, to make the moment last as long as you can, kissing his forehead, but Declan can’t hold on for a second longer, and he comes silently, his shoulders heaving under your fingertips. You wrap your arms around him and rest your cheek against his.

  When you finally open your eyes, the room feels different – the light has changed. Declan remains oblivious to the world, his head dropped into the hollow of your collarbone. You feel a trickle of sweat – or could it be a tear? – running down his cheek and falling onto your skin.

  At last you shift off him, and as you turn, you see Jane and her mum, standing at the other end of the room, their mouths gaping, both with their arms full of gifts. Panicked, you prod at Declan, and push down your dress.

  Declan goes pale when he sees them. ‘Oh feck,’ he mumbles, pulling up his zip. Lisa and Cee Cee appear behind Jane and her mum, their hands also full of beautifully wrapped gifts. There’s an almighty smash as one of the boxes tumbles out of Cee Cee’s arms and crashes to the floor.

  Jane is rigid with horror.

  ‘Fuck me!’ Lisa says. ‘I wondered where you’d got to. Bless you, Father, for you have sinned!’

  Jane’s mum reels back a couple of paces and sits down on one of the stacked chairs, and Cee Cee follows suit. The room goes deathly quiet. The wedding etiquette guides don’t cover this scenario.

  Declan clears his throat as he does up his shirt. ‘Jane, I’m afraid I don’t think I’m going to be able to marry you tomorrow.’

  ‘You think?’ Lisa says.

  Jane just gapes, her m
outh opening and closing.

  ‘It’s probably best if I leave,’ Declan says. ‘I am so very sorry for all the inconvenience.’ Then he turns towards you and kisses you, stroking your cheek delicately with his thumb before walking out of the room, his head down.

  ‘See you at church next Sunday,’ Jane’s mum calls after him in a robotic, overly polite voice.

  ‘Mum!’ Jane snaps. ‘I highly doubt it!’

  ‘Jane, I am SO sorry,’ you say.

  ‘I did NOT see that coming,’ Cee Cee says, finally finding her voice.

  Unable to hold it in any more, Lisa bursts out laughing, huge guffaws racking her body.

  ‘Shit,’ says Jane. ‘Who the hell is going to marry me and Tom now?’ She smacks Lisa’s arm. ‘Stop laughing, it’s not funny.’

  Then she turns on you. ‘I am supposed to be getting married in less than twelve hours. Father Declan has known me since I was a girl. And you – you’ve managed to sabotage the whole thing. Of all the guys you had to shag, why did you have to go after my priest?’

  Her mum and Cee Cee are nodding, their faces stern. You’re in serious trouble. ‘Jane—’ you start.

  But it’s too late, her voice is rising to a shriek. ‘You’ve ruined my wedding! I want you to leave. Now!’

  ‘But—’ you fumble. Other people are starting to filter into the room, drawn by the shouting, but Jane is in one of her rare full-blown tempers. Even Lisa is looking nervous. Jane rounds on the crowd. ‘She fucked the priest, and now he’s walked out, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to get married tomorrow.’ She bursts into tears and storms out. Tom shoots you an appalled look before hurrying after her.

  You can feel the waves of disapproval coming at you, and you quail. ‘I’m so sorry.’ Domino pull their children away as if you have a communicable disease as you slink past them and head for your room, jangling with shock.

  You throw your clothes into your bag, but leave the Dress of Salmon Shame behind – the one tiny silver lining of this entire fiasco is that you won’t have to wear it tomorrow.

  Just as you’re gathering up your toiletries in the bathroom, you hear a knock on the bedroom door. You can’t help a little flare of hope – has Declan come back?

  Jane hurries into the room, her face still tear-stained. You stare at each other for a long minute, then you both blurt out ‘I’m sorry!’ at the same moment, and the next thing you’re hugging, then breaking apart to fumble for tissues and blow your noses.

  ‘Jane, I really am sorry. I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. And I want you to know, I wasn’t just experimenting – for the novelty value. I felt a real connection with Declan.’

  ‘I’m so sorry for shouting at you to leave like that! It was the shock, and a dose of bridezilla nerves, too. I’m really disappointed Father Declan won’t be marrying us tomorrow, but Cee Cee is already hunting down a replacement.’

  ‘She does thrive on a crisis.’ You both smile shakily.

  Jane reaches for your hand. ‘I do actually want you to stay.’

  ‘That means a lot – thank you. And I wish I could. But it’s just going to be too embarrassing. There’ll be an atmosphere and gossip, and I don’t want to do anything more to spoil your wedding day. It would probably be best for everyone if I left quietly, don’t you think?’

  ‘You may be right,’ sighs Jane. ‘I’ll miss you, though. And what about Father Declan – will you be seeing him again? God, it feels weird even asking!’

  ‘I don’t know if there’s any chance of a future for us. The situation isn’t exactly normal. But even if we never cross paths again, I can’t regret what we did. It was really beautiful. Even if it did throw a spanner in your wedding works.’

  ‘That’s putting it mildly!’ Jane hugs you again, fiercely. ‘Good luck,’ she says.

  ‘You too. Have a wonderful wedding, and give Tom my best. Tell your parents I’ll write to them, to apologise.’

  After a last round of goodbye hugs, you creep down to reception and ask the night manager to call you a taxi.

  ‘I just did, for the other gentleman, the priest,’ she says, raising a thinly plucked eyebrow.

  Declan! You drag your bag out the front doors and spot a rangy figure pacing up and down on the lawn.

  ‘It’s at times like this I wish I still smoked,’ he says as you approach. ‘What are you doing out here?’

  ‘I thought it would be best if I left. Otherwise I really am going to be a bad fairy at the feast tomorrow.’ Your voice wobbles.

  He wraps his arms around you. ‘Two orphans in the storm. Now what?’

  It’s a relief to lean against him. ‘I’m open to any bright ideas.’

  Declan pulls back to look at your face. ‘I’ve been wearing out my shoes, trying to pluck up the courage to go looking for you, and here you are.’

  He pauses and his face twists. ‘Look, I have to be honest. I am not exactly a good prospect right now. I have no idea what my future holds, other than a lot of complications. But this I do know. I’m not leaving without you.’

  You feel a smile blooming at his words. ‘I’m not expecting any declarations or promises. But while we’re together, at least we can do this.’

  You stand on tiptoe to kiss him as a spatter of gravel announces the arrival of the taxi.

  Declan rests his hands on your shoulders, and his eyes crinkle. ‘All right. Shall we go, then?’ He hurls both your bags into the back, and then helps you get into the cab.

  ‘It looks like this is the beginning of the end. Or the end of the beginning. Or something,’ he says.

  You curl against him and tug his face down to yours, searching for his mouth. ‘Or something,’ you say. And lose yourself in kissing and being kissed as the taxi purrs along the road.

  The End

  You need to find someone to perform Jane’s wedding ceremony

  ‘Pass the honey, please.’

  Cee Cee glares at you, ignoring your request. It’s not the end of the world that she’s not talking to you over breakfast. At least Jane and Lisa are, and they’re the ones who really matter.

  And you’re not completely persona non grata with everyone else at the wedding too: Aunt Lauren thinks you’re a legend, and Noe thinks you’re a goddess. As a kind of penance (and to avoid Jane’s furious parents), you offered to put the kids to bed after the rehearsal dinner. You ended up helping them fashion a miniature bow tie and tux bib for Yodabell the pet rat, and staging a three-way wedding between it, Sunrise Barbie and Malibu Ken, which went some way towards taking your mind off the Declan debacle and his hasty departure.

  ‘I’ve been on the phone most of the night. I called every wedding venue in a thirty-mile radius,’ you say.

  ‘Good. You broke it, you fix it!’ Cee Cee snaps. She’s grumpy, but she loves this. Nobody shines more than Cee Cee during a wedding crisis.

  ‘I found out that there are nine weddings today in this area. Six of them are at the same time as ours, which leaves three possible licensed marriage officiants. I’ve spoken to two of them – they’re available and willing to help us, and I still need to talk to the third. So at least we have options.’

  ‘Oh thank goodness,’ Jane says, slumping back in her seat, the massive curlers in her hair bobbing. ‘I knew everything was going to be okay.’

  Cee Cee glances at her watch and gets up. ‘Jane, the makeup team are arriving any second. We’d better go.’

  ‘Wait, what about choosing a marriage officiant?’ you say as Cee Cee whisks Jane away.

  ‘You choose one,’ Jane says, over her shoulder.

  ‘Wait!’

  ‘Just make sure you don’t want to shag whoever you pick!’ Jane calls as she and Cee Cee disappear.

  ‘Dammit!’ you say to Lisa once they’ve gone.

  ‘What?’ she says.

  ‘There’s a small glitch I didn’t have a chance to mention.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Of the ones who are available, we have an Elvis impersonato
r. And then there’s a new-age guru. And I’m still waiting to hear back from a Justice of the Peace.’

  ‘Classic!’ Lisa hoots. ‘Doesn’t anybody get married normally any more?’

  ‘Beggars can’t be choosers,’ you say, chewing at your nails.

  If you pick the Elvis impersonator marriage officiant, go to page 283.

  If you choose the Justice of the Peace, go to page 324.

  If you choose the new-age marriage officiant, go to page 337.

  You pick the Elvis impersonator

  Cee Cee flutters around Jane, adjusting her skirt. Then Mr B holds out his arm to his daughter, and she takes it with a smile. You can’t believe how beautiful she looks. You have a lump in your throat, but that might just be nerves.

  Cee Cee kneels in front of the flower girls and gives them one last set of instructions. Tokyo is sulking because Yodabell the rat has been banished to his cage at the back of the church. Paris starts crying because she’s already dumped her basket of rose petals on Manhattan’s head, but Cee Cee quickly takes a handful of petals out of each of the girls’ baskets to replenish hers, and the crisis is averted just as Elvis lifts his guitar and starts singing, ‘Fools Rush In’. And that’s the bridesmaids’ cue to start walking down the aisle.

  You have to admit that as far as Elvis impersonators go, you’re getting your money’s worth. The replacement ‘priest’ is wearing an electric-blue Elvis jumpsuit, decorated from head to toe in shiny rhinestones. He has huge bouffant-y hair and he’s wearing a pair of giant white sunglasses. Tom is doing his best to keep a straight face and, next to him, Mikey is shaking with silent laughter.

  Jane catches her first glimpse of Elvis as she walks down the aisle and pauses to shoot you a glare. If looks could kill, you’d be speared through the heart. You mouth, ‘I’m sorry!’ but she’s already breaking into a smile as she sees Tom waiting at the altar.

  Your heart melts as Jane walks towards Tom. Unfortunately you’ll never be able to look at Tom again without thinking about his dad and that bendy penis. What are the chances? Of all the guys in all the wedding villages in all the world, the one you decide to hook up with, on your first ever one-night stand, turns out to be your best friend’s about-to-be-husband’s dad. You do a sweep of Tom’s side of the church – you can’t miss his dad’s clean-shaven head in the crowd, and your tummy does a little sex-memory flip. He turns to watch Jane walk down the aisle and spots you. He’s handsome in a fitted black Armani suit and a thin black tie, and he smiles at you, which makes your tummy flip again.