A Girl Walks Into a Wedding Read online

  Tom toots the horn, then revs the engine, kicking up gravel.

  Once they’re out of sight, there is a long moment of silence. Then Mikey says: ‘We’ve got food, we’ve got booze, and we’ve got tunes. Seems a shame to let it all go to waste.’

  Cee Cee gives a howl and runs off towards the lake, stumbling as her heels catch in the grass.

  ‘What do you say?’ Mikey turns to you. ‘Shall we get this party started?’

  If you decide to join Mikey and party the night away, go to page 161.

  If you decide to go after Cee Cee, go to page 169.

  You decided to join Mikey and party the night away

  Ouch.

  You open your eyes slowly, wincing as the morning sunlight slants through the windows. Your head feels like it’s full of bees, and you’d kill for a glass of water right now.

  Hang on … this room doesn’t look familiar. It’s far larger than yours, and judging by the vases of lilies everywhere and the rose petals scattered and crushed into the carpet, you can only be in one place – the bridal suite. And you’re lying on the bridal bed, next to a mountain of pillows and duvets.

  What are you doing in here? And more importantly, what did you get up to last night? You remember having a drink with Mikey at the bar, where you were joined by Father Declan, Cee Cee, Bruno and Lisa, and quite a few of the other guests. Mikey brought out a bottle of South African liquor he’d collected on his latest trip, and you all had a shot or two of that.

  You have a hazy recollection of slow-dancing to ‘Careless Whisper’ with Lisa and Cat, and then doing the can-can with a gaggle of guests – including Father Declan, Mikey, Bruno, Aunt Lauren and JD.

  That’s all you’ve got.

  You run your hands through your hair, which is knotted and smells like apricot liqueur, wincing as a strand catches on something. You hold your left hand to your face, squinting gingerly at it.

  Oh shit.

  There’s a gold band on your ring finger. Jane’s wedding ring. Why do you now have a shadowy memory of giggling and saying ‘I do’?

  You flinch as you hear the toilet flush. You hold your breath, waiting to see who will emerge from the bathroom.

  If it’s Mikey, go to page 163.

  If it’s Bruno, go to page 166.

  It’s Mikey

  The door opens and Mikey steps into the room, naked except for what appears to be a pair of women’s knickers.

  Oh God. Oh no. You’ve drunkenly married the worst womaniser on the planet. A man who makes Tiger Woods look like a Tibetan monk. A man who is wearing women’s underwear. And judging by the colour – bright pink – it isn’t even yours.

  ‘Morning,’ he says, riffling a hand through his hair. ‘Any chance you could order me a gallon of coffee from room service?’

  You feel your mouth dropping open.

  ‘Mikey?’ A woman’s voice calls from the bathroom. Aunt Lauren weaves out, wearing a yellow t-shirt and nothing else.

  ‘Morning, dear,’ she says to you matter-of-factly, stretching and yawning as if this is the most natural situation in the world. She glances at Mikey’s underwear. ‘Naughty boy. I was looking for those!’

  You look from Mikey to Aunt Lauren, and back again.

  ‘Sorry, did we keep you up?’ she says. ‘Mikey and I were taking a bath together. I’ve always been partial to a Jacuzzi. They remind me of the time Mick, Brian, Marianne and I holed up at the Chateau Marmont for a wild weekend after one of the Stones’ tours.’

  You hold up your hand and waggle your ring finger. ‘Can either of you explain this?’

  ‘You insisted on looking after it,’ Aunt Lauren says. ‘Mikey had it and was threatening to put it in the pot when we were playing strip poker. You kept giggling and saying “I don’t” to all of us.’

  ‘I played strip poker?’

  ‘That’s not all you got up to, dear,’ Aunt Lauren says. She turns to Mikey. ‘Ready for round three? The water is nice and hot.’ She winks at you and sashays back into the bathroom.

  Mikey looks sheepish. ‘I think I’ve met my match.’ He makes as if to follow her, then turns back. ‘And do me a favour. My head is killing me. Try and keep the noise down.’

  ‘Me?’ you say.

  He nods. ‘Last night you two were making a hell of a racket.’

  ‘Two? What do you mean by “you two”?’

  The pile of bedding next to you shifts.

  Heart in your throat, you pull the covers back and look down at the man sleeping next to you. A man with tousled black hair. He stretches and yawns up at you.

  It’s Bruno.

  It’s all coming back to you. After the game of poker, Lisa and Cat had slipped away together, leaving you and Bruno alone. He’d explained that he and Cat were just friends, and suggested that it would be a shame to waste the champagne in the bridal suite. And then …

  He grins wickedly and slides an arm around your waist. ‘Ready for round five?’ he asks.

  The End

  It’s Bruno

  Bruno walks out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist.

  What have you done?

  ‘Morning,’ he says, giving you a mischievous grin.

  You gulp. ‘Um … Bruno … last night … did we … ?’

  ‘Did we what?’

  It looks like you’re going to have to spell it out.

  The door bursts open and Lisa walks in. ‘Surprise!’ She’s carrying a tray of orange juice, toast and eggs. ‘Thought you two could use some breakfast. You were both pretty wasted last night.’

  She places the tray on the table on the balcony outside. ‘Lisa,’ you say. ‘I think I might have done something really—’

  Your heart plummets as Cat enters the room holding a coffee pot. What the hell is going on? ‘Cat … I can explain,’ you falter, gesturing to Bruno in his towel. Explain what, exactly? That you might have accidentally married her boyfriend?

  ‘There you are, gorgeous,’ Lisa says. She relieves Cat of the coffee pot, wraps her arms round her neck, and kisses her languorously. ‘How about coming for a swim?’

  You glance at Bruno. He doesn’t seem the slightest bit shocked to see his girlfriend kissing Lisa.

  ‘But … aren’t you and Cat together?’ you say to him.

  Lisa snorts. ‘God, you really were out of it last night, weren’t you? Cat and Bruno are just good friends.’

  ‘Oh,’ you say, wondering what else you might have missed – and what else went on last night.

  Cat and Lisa leave together, laughing.

  You wrap a sheet around your naked body. Bruno is sitting at the table on the balcony, and you join him, wincing as the sunlight blasts into your eyes.

  ‘So how did we both end up in here?’ you ask.

  Bruno hands you a glass of orange juice and butters you a slice of toast as if you’re an old married couple. ‘What’s the last thing you remember?’

  ‘Er … a bunch of us dancing.’ You take a sip of juice. It’s nectar as it slides down your parched throat. ‘Bruno … Last night, did we … ?’

  Bruno shakes his head and smiles. ‘No. You were a bit the worse for wear. We all were. After telling the whole room you loved them, you took me for a ramble, saying you wanted to get your own back.’

  This doesn’t sound promising. ‘Go on.’

  ‘You dragged me into a field and pushed me into a cowpat. I needed to shower afterwards, and as neither of us could find our room keys, we ended up here. The door was open.’

  Then you remember the ring. You hold up your hand. ‘But hang on … what about this?’

  ‘Oh, that. Just after the cowpat incident, you decided all was forgiven between me and you. You convinced Mikey to give you Jane’s ring, and insisted that Father Declan marry us.’

  ‘I did?’

  ‘You did.’

  ‘Why didn’t you stop me?’

  ‘Don’t worry. It isn’t legal. We were just humouring you.’

  You drop your he
ad into your hands and peer out through your fingers. ‘And did we consummate our illegal wedding?’

  Bruno bites into a piece of toast with relish. ‘Not yet – but we only have to check out at noon.’

  The End

  You decided to console Cee Cee

  You find Cee Cee curled under a tree on a patch of soft grass beside the lake. Her face is hidden in her arms, her shoulders shuddering with silent sobs.

  You’re not sure what to do. You’ve never seen Cee Cee in this state before. Like many people who are control freaks, she’s one of life’s copers – more likely to be mopping up tears than shedding them.

  ‘Oh Cee Cee,’ you say. ‘Don’t take it so hard.’

  Head still buried in her arms, Cee Cee talks in hiccups. ‘I just wanted my baby sister to have the most perfect wedding in the world.’

  ‘I know, and you’ve done an incredible job, you really have. But I think Jane’s only figuring out what she really wants now.’

  ‘I know, and I’m so happy for her. I think that’s partly why I’m crying. That and no sleep in weeks. Those fucking doves! I’ve been more stressed about this wedding than Jane has.’ She raises her head. Her eyes are damp, but you register that her eye makeup hasn’t run – typical Cee Cee, of course she’d wear waterproof mascara.

  ‘Oh Cee Cee, don’t cry.’ You lean down and wipe a tear from her cheek. ‘You’ll mess up your makeup, and you’ve got such a pretty face.’

  ‘You think so?’

  You look at her properly. You’ve practically grown up with this woman, so her features are familiar, but you realise you’ve never really looked at her before. You’ve never noticed the curve of her cheekbones or the small smile-lines around her eyes.

  ‘I do actually,’ you say. ‘I think you have amazing eyes.’

  ‘You must also think I’m a giant bitch! I’ve been a monster this weekend, the way I’ve been ordering everyone around.’

  ‘Okay, so maybe you have been a bit of a wedding-planner-zilla, but who can blame you? You’d have to be a bit bossy and demanding to organise something like this.’

  You sit down next to Cee Cee and put your arms around her, stroking her hair. She lays her mouth gently against your cheek, and you feel her tears wet on your face. It’s a mostly platonic embrace, but you can’t help feeling a shiver of something more serious underlying it too.

  Cee Cee pulls away from you, your eyes lock, and something passes between you, some kind of understanding, or maybe it’s a wanting. It’s all this wedding madness, making you both act out of character. You know she’s straight, and so are you, but there’s something so comforting in her touch, and so irresistible in her vulnerability, you just want to take away all her hurt.

  So you kiss her back, this time on the side of her mouth, and you don’t know if it’s accidental or on purpose, but as you kiss her, she shifts her face and you end up kissing each other full on the lips.

  After a few moments, you both tentatively explore with your tongues at the same time, and it’s a sweet shock to have her tongue in your mouth. It’s an entirely new sensation for you – her lips have a softness and suppleness that you’re not used to.

  You wrap your tongue around hers, both of you uncertain at first – you can tell that it must be as much a new experience for her as it is for you. But it feels so good, you get lost in it, and so does she.

  Eventually you lie back on the grass and Cee Cee follows you down, and you continue to kiss, exploring the contours of each other’s faces, lips and mouths. Cee Cee’s hands come up to range the front of your dress, and you want her to touch you, but the fabric is like a wall of starch between you.

  ‘This dress is suffocating me!’ you gasp, sitting up. ‘I’m sorry Cee Cee, I know you aren’t having the best wedding ever, but these dresses are a disaster! Yours looks good on you, but mine is an eyesore!’

  You see surprise on her face, and there’s a second where you’re afraid she might start crying again, but then she cracks up laughing. ‘This whole wedding hasn’t been my finest,’ she admits.

  You both giggle, rolling around on the soft grass until you find yourselves kissing again, and you reach behind you and pull the zip of your dress down, freeing yourself from your chintz straitjacket. She pulls her zip down too, and then you both scramble to get each other out of reams of fabric. At last you’re both stripped down to your knickers.

  ‘What if someone sees us?’ Cee Cee asks, pulling away from you.

  ‘I’d rather they saw me like this than in that horror!’ you say.

  ‘I’ve never done anything like this before,’ Cee Cee says, her eyes wide.

  ‘Me neither,’ you gasp as Cee Cee reaches tentatively for your breast, testing the weight of it, and your nipple hardens under her touch. Then she slides her hand down your body, and you feel her fingers trailing over your knickers, then dipping inside, stroking your mound at the same time as she explores your mouth with her tongue, while you kiss her back tenderly.

  Timidly you slip your own hand down her body, which is so soft and smooth, you want to bury yourself in it. When you reach between her legs, you’re surprised to find lace under your fingertips – you would have taken Cee Cee for a plain cotton girl – but clearly you’ve misjudged her on a number of counts.

  You feel her heat and wetness on your fingertips through the lace, and you go in search of her clit. You can tell you’ve found it first by her moan, and then by the feel of it pulsing against your fingers.

  Mimicking your movements, Cee Cee finds and then rubs your clit, and you feel yourself shudder with bliss. Then it’s her turn to go exploring. Slowly, tentatively, she slips a finger inside your pussy. You urge her on with a ‘yes’ into her mouth, then you copy her, slipping your finger into the soft warm core of her. She utters a small cry of pleasure as you sink inside her to your knuckle.

  Panting, Cee Cee fastens her mouth onto your neck and you run your nails lightly down the smooth skin of her back, drinking in the newness and excitement of everything you’re experiencing. You’ve never felt such soft, wet kisses on your body before. Her body is so similar to yours that you know exactly how to move your fingers, to make her writhe with pleasure.

  Then she slips a second finger inside you, and a third, and you take the hint and do the same to her. And you hope she’s feeling a tenth of the pleasure you feel as you buck up against her hand. And she must be, because as you caress her sweet spot, she shudders out, ‘Oh God, oh God!’ As she comes, your legs begin to shake and your pussy contracts around her fingers with an orgasm that would hit eight point nine on the Richter scale.

  You both lie back on the grass, staring up at the dappled leaves of the canopy above. After a comfortable age, you turn to face each other, and you tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

  ‘Feeling better?’ you ask.

  ‘Quite a bit, actually,’ Cee Cee says. ‘What are you thinking?’

  ‘What happens in the country stays in the country?’ you say.

  ‘My thoughts exactly.’

  ‘I guess we’d better get back to what’s left of the wedding.’

  ‘Yeah, I’d kill for a piece of cake,’ you say, reaching for your dress and getting up so you can step into it.

  ‘You’re in luck,’ says Cee Cee, picking a leaf out of your hair. ‘I happen to know the wedding planner.’

  You head back up to the manor together. You feel incredibly relaxed, and even your dress doesn’t feel so uncomfortable any more. As you reach the door to the function room, which seems to be buzzing with people and music, you notice that Cee Cee is tugging at the bodice of her dress, her breasts bulging over the edges, the capped sleeves cutting off the circulation in her arms. You’d recognise her misery anywhere: she’s wearing your dress.

  The End

  You go to the wedding on your own

  ‘First round is on me,’ Lisa says.

  ‘I’ll have a martini, but hold the olives and make it a double,’ you say, thinking of tha
t monstrous bridesmaid’s dress. You need all the stiff drinks you can get to face the prospect of wearing it in public.

  ‘I’m so glad you didn’t bring a date – and that we came a night early,’ Lisa says. She’d convinced you to take an extra day off work for a pre-wedding-stress girls’ night out. You’d barely deposited your luggage at the country-manor wedding venue before she dragged you out to the taxi she’d booked to ferry you both to a nearby hotel bar.

  ‘Yeah, it’s probably too soon to subject Steve to Jane’s family and that bridesmaid’s dress all in one weekend – he’d run a mile.’

  ‘I think you should just have a good time this weekend, go a bit wild. Then when you get back, if this Steve guy turns out to be “the one”, you can settle down, knowing that you’ve sown your wild oats. I mean look at this place, it’s crawling with cock. It’s singles heaven.’

  You glance around the bar. It’s filling up fast. ‘Is this why you wanted to come here instead of hitting the bar where we’re staying?’

  ‘Yep. No one here knows us. We can do what we like.’

  ‘What makes you think all these people are single?’

  ‘Please, it’s a long weekend, and there are a million weddings happening within a thirty-mile radius. This place is full of people looking to have a good time and not remember it too clearly in the morning. There’s something about weddings that makes people do things they wouldn’t normally do. I think it’s all that commitment dangling over their heads. It’s the same as people who’re inspired to change their lives after they’ve had a life-threatening accident – it makes them panic and want to have amoral sex.’

  ‘I’m so glad you associate long-term commitment with life-threatening accidents.’

  ‘I can’t help it, I’m on the rebound,’ Lisa says.

  ‘You’re always on the rebound. Speaking of which, don’t look now, but do you know that woman?’

  Lisa immediately cranes her neck.

  ‘I said, don’t look now!’ you hiss.